Posted under Growing up
Met up with d’s friends for dinner at marmalade pantry just now. The food was yumness, the company not as awkward as I thought. I kind of suggested going since I was gonna meet him at 4.30 to walk ard and he was meeting them at 7pm. So doesn’t it make sense for me to go join them for dinner? Not as if I don’t know his friends. Well, I donno la… I think it’s very forward of me, then again. It will NEVER occur in his boy brain to bring me along like other boy brains would. Sometimes I think it’s cuz I’m not pretty enough, nothing to show off. I think it’s just his safe socializing, his keep your distance way of socializing. I’m totally different. I don’t mind making friends with anyone as long as you don’t think that you’re too high up the social ladder to make friends with me.
self-esteem issues yes…
Anyway, after the whole dinner thing we got to talking on the train ride home. His friends are more atas than mine. More english-speaking, more sophisticated if you will. I think I’ve changed over the years, I used to me more like that when I was in IJ. Maybe it’s an elitist thing, I won’t be so quick to dispute that but I think that pride in yourself is important and that was what I was instilled with there and then. I’m still english-speaking, can’t speak chinese to save my life. But I think the years have eroded my ‘atas-ness’. ‘Atas’ in the sense that I’m not so quick to believe in myself, that I can do something, that I can amount to something huge. My friends are not the atas type and I don’t give a shit about that. They are who they are and I love them for it. But sometimes I just wonder what it would be like to be who I was then, wanting more for myself and for the people around me. It’s kind of ironic that I’m on the brink of true adulthood and yet my drive has lessened. I wanna cruise through things instead of meeting them heads on. Jadded? Maybe.
I’ve been using the word atas throughout this entry but I don’t really mean elitist or high -class. I’m using it for a lack of a better word and it’s ok if no one really gets what I mean. This entry is kind of a catharsis. A purging of weird thoughts that would just infect my little brain with ‘what-ifs’ and ‘’if-onlys’. Better out than in they say. I feel like getting drunk. Not cuz I’m sad or depressed, in fact I’m looking forward to the civ4 game I’m gonna indulge in after this. Just cuz I like drinking, talking to my friends whilst drinking, feeling tipsy and happy, feeling like I’m happy just being me.
The title of this entry is “where do we go from here?” cuz I wanted to blog about how we have to decide who we want to be as adults now that we’re about to enter adulthood. Be the atas type or the heartlander type? That’s if you subscribe to stereotypes. But I find that it’s impossible not to so HAH. I think I would be happy being a heartlander but will regret not reaching for the stars when I could have. I wanna travel, know more people, get into ridiculous situations and use them as learning fodder for the future. But. I also wanna be happy, be stable and settled. I want to have my family close by, to have my real friends around so that I can be my silly self. Where do I go from here? Which path do I take? I want to take both yet I don’t know if I can be both. I’m afraid to take that first step cuz what if that’s the wrong choice? Does anyone really know where to go from here? Who do you want to be? Who is this ‘me’ that I’m supposed to be anyway?
